I beat myself up, tear myself down A.K.A. nudie, nudie with the big ole booty

I beat myself up on a daily basis over not being enough of a mother, wife, Christian, friend, daughter, employee, and anything else I can fathom.  I have days that are worse than others, but the feeling is always the same.  If I close my eyes and imagine the self infliction of what I’m doing to myself on the inside this is what it would look like on the outside.  The colors left to right represent the ups and downs of my self worth.  As a mother especially, I’m in constant fear of neglecting them in some way that leaves them forever scared, feeling as inadequate as I do at times.



I’ve had several women relate to this painting in a powerful way, then when I show her to men they usually go straight to the sexual.  She has a big booty, my husband said I should call her nudie, nudie with the big ole booty.  I find a humorous relief in the fact that though she is guilt stricken by so much,  she still has the physique of  a triathlon runner so life can’t be so bad.  At least she looks good in skinny jeans.


About toccopolasam

Artist Statement: I'm an outsider artist of women's traditional arts. I've been categorized both as a folk artist and south Gothic artist. I'm not sure either category fits me, but I know my art is informed by a feminine gaze. I distrust labels of this kind. Like my grandmother sewing, I do this because I consider it beautiful. I believe in making art that has a narrative, one that creates an ambiance contributing to the visual effect of the work. Like all Southerners raised in the specter of Lost Cause discourse, memories haunt me and my work as an artist. Although southern Gothic is generally rendered in ockers and gray because of multiple layers of decay on the genre, I use garish, Madi Gras colors in defiance of the myth that Scarlett O Hara is alive and well and living in Toccopola. My art searches the landscape for signs of the new south, I'm trying to scrape off the Mary Kay and show the real face however pock-marked of lady antebellum.
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4 Responses to I beat myself up, tear myself down A.K.A. nudie, nudie with the big ole booty

  1. samotako1 says:

    I think most women (with a conscience, anyway) feel the way that you do about never being enough of whatever it is that we feel we need to be.

    I like the hard strokes of this painting and the colours.

    • toccopolasam says:

      When I made this painting public it came with the attachment of not reading too much into it. I had to call my mother and let her know I was fine emotionally and wanted to express the inner turmoil I experience from time to time. Thank you for the comment, it was a very personal confession I made public. It’s nice to be honest with myself and others.

  2. artblablablablog says:

    We all share days when we are feeling less than perfect. I don’t see the big booty when I look at her. It is almost like talking to someone who is complaining about being fat but I’m not seeing it. Typical man, sees big booty because there IS a booty and that’s big for him! It is actually in proportion to the shoulders and waist and any woman would be proud to own that booty.

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